my daddy

You would think at age 29 I would be well over the fact that I hadn't seen my real father since I was 13. He has health issues among a slew of other reasons that sent him catapulting out of my life at a young vulnerable age of 13. I know he didn't realize exactly what he was doing when he walked out of my life.  In my mind he couldn't help his decision to be absent. He was in & out of illness & had his own life to deal with... much less his son & daughter.

I remember when I was 16 years old... I found out I was pregnant. My step-dad stood at the entrance of my upstairs bedroom. I was sitting on my bed & I had called them both up to reveal the news. "Mom, Mike.. I'm pregnant." I waited, in anticipation. How will they take it? Will they be mad? Will they be disappointed? My step dad, in silence. Slowly made his way across my bedroom... he bent down & gave me a hug. a hug like I had never experienced before from him, to my rememberance. A hug of acceptance. A hug to tell me everything was going to be OK. I needed that hug. Moms can give a hug.. but in that moment the hug from dad was what made it all better.

I have recently been in touch with my real father. I found out he has a little girl who was born on my birthday. She will be 9 years old this year. I have received snail mail letters from my dad. He has recently gotten the internet & obtained an email address.... yahoo. I have Yahoo too & the little side bar tells me when  he is online. we have chatted online a few times. I am so proud that he has actually figured out how to chat online. This is all brand new to him. I joked him... "now all you need is a facebook"

"what's that? will it let me chat more with you? "

"kind of. it's a place where you can put pictures & tell people about yourself.. and chat with people too"

"how do I get one?"

"facebook.com... just enter your new email address & follow the instructions."

I didn't think he was serious... but he now has a facebook. He wanted a way to keep in touch with me better. That felt good.

I miss my dad.  I talk to him every now and then & I get a letter & an email every now & then. I still cry each time. I'm not sure why really. I'm not sure if it's because I'm grieving his absence? I'm not sure if it's because I feel so sorry for my little sister,who is now having to deal with some of the uncertainties that I'm too familiar with (she doesn't live with him).... I know the pain that comes with that & I want  to rescue her, but I don't even know her. My dad makes up part of who I am... I think I am simply grieving the lost years. It's been nearly 17 years.... over 1/2 my life.

I thought I was ok... and I am. But every little girl needs her daddy. When I talk to him  I catch glimpses of myself. Part of me is missing. Part of me has been away for way too long.

I want to see my dad.

We are making plans to visit this summer. My kids have only recently discovered that mom's real dad isn't Poppaw. Mike-is my dad... but now so is my real one. It's time to reconnect. This does not mean that Mike is any less my father. It just means that I am reconnecting to another man who is a part of who I am too.

I'm excited about this.

(dad's Facebook profile pic) :) 

The great news is that I've got a flawless Heavenly Father. A Daddy in Heaven who is, has been & always will be there when I need Him for anything... always... & forever... no matter what. That makes me extremely happy & grateful.